I am sorry.. I am wicked..!!!

I am sorry.. I am wicked..!!!

It was a bad day after which I return home, and when I say bad day in Chartered Accountancy students life it means disaster. Aman Raheja that’s me was again a victim of such disaster today. My day started with tutorial lectures and today tutor cursed me for not studying, whole day is spent in office doing internship where boss scolded me for mistakes in my work in the next set to tutorial I felt ashamed as I was not able to solve a simple accountancy problem also. It was the day where I got trauma thrice, but in a normal day its one or two at a time. So I came home late by 9pm was feeling fucked up threw shoes to the corner of room where mom gave me another half an hour lecture on discipline and behaviour. It was ruthlessly a bad day for me.

At night, which is the only part of the day when I feel alive, I was busy watching my favorite TV show and a number flashed on my cell phone screen, it was Ishan my best friend sudden emotion of enthusiasm came into me even after a fucked up day as Ishan was the only one whom I can tell the story of my tragic life and he has been patient listener all these days in my life. He was calling me after so many days and was calling on the day when I needed him the most.

Aman: Hi Ishan

Ishan: Hi how are you..?

Aman: Screw this Chartered Accountancy, its taking my life.

Ishan: (Laughs)  we engineering student are equally screwed. You are no exception.

His sentence made me forget all the crapy things happened during the day he was such a comforter.

Ishan: Aman I have one more bad news for you

Aman: Yaar, I have such a bad day that now I can even accept the news of asteroid falling on my building also.

Ishan: Aman today I saw Ritika.

Aman: hmmm

Ishan: with some other guy

After chatting for a while I hung up. Ritika was the only romantic angle in my life, she was the only person whom I loved very deeply but never expressed. Even I was very good friend of her but I haven’t got confidence of proposing her also I was busy in my life where I have to fight with myself to work for 14 hours a day. I don’t know why I was feeling my eyes little moist, though I was damn practical man with no emotion who was working as a machine in his life without a single word of sympathy from anybody. But this robot is emotional today though I had hint of it, but Ishan confirmed the news. Suddenly my heart started aching and I searched for some gazals in my cell phone to listen “Chupke chupke raat din aansu bahana yaad hai”. I haven’t felt bad that she got hooked up with some other guy but she was with Rohit, whom if I compare with myself was nobody. He was born rich this was the only quality he has, has no internship as his father have relations with his Boss who allow him to have a look of office once in a week if he desires so, all his day spent in gyming, partying, enjoying, coming to the tutorials so that he can enjoy sitting at last bench and passing comments watch girls etc. And there is also one thing I noticed in this world, bloody pocket filled people are also good looking it’s such a tragedy for poor hard working loverboy like me who can’t compete with this.

Next day I went early morning tutorial when I saw Ritika she waved me hi..! and to reply I also waved back hi..! Then I noticed Rohit entering and they sharing glimpse and smile I noticed that all and this all was salt on my wound. I tried concentrating on lecture but all I was able to do, as I was watching Ritika turning in every 5 min to see rohit and giving her killer smile which always hypnotized me.

After my office I skipped my second set of tutorial to see Ishan. Ishan was only person whom I wanted to talk in this matter.  Though I wanted to talk to him but it was purely one sided conversation in which he was the speaker.

 So you bloody moron, got disappointed just because your girl hooked up with some one. Just because of girl my highly talented arrogant tiger is behaving as a little wet cat. This is not the Aman I have seen in my life, I have only seen a fighter who was fighting for everything I want you to become the same snatch the things that you deserve, I want you to be yourself back in form not a lazy dog that you have become because of your busy schedule, I want my tiger back who never gave a damn about girl. This lecture from Ishan has made me think all night about myself. Who am I and what I am now?

Next day, when I went to tutorial Ritika waved to me as usual ritual but instead of waving back I went near her and said good morning and shook her hand, also I made sure that Rohit see all the happenings. Today I deliberately sat two benches behind ritika so that I can have perfect view of her and I also bench just infront of Rohit so that he can hear me. During the lecture I spoke to the random person sitting next to me whom I barely know or chat in whole year.

Look at that Ritika hot naa... For starting conversation about a girl that too beautiful you just require to name her because all have some stories to tell you. He began yeas damn hot I replied even she has feeling for me, I am just waiting for right moment to grab her in my arm and kiss her saying I love you. Random boy, are you sure she will say yes..? Definitely said I, else nothing to lose instead I will have a kiss. We both began to laugh, I deliberately tried to laugh lauder so that Rohit could here. Next half an hour I spent discussing Ritika with that random someone, so that Rohit could hear it all. It was my way to make rohit feel that there is something between me and Ritika.

In second set of tutorials I approached the teasing community of our tutorials with a news that Rohit have something with Neeta I have seen them together in weird position. I always felt Neeta and Rohit are more than good friend but I don’t think they felt the same but teasing community need a name that I provided them. As Neeta entered the class the teasing community guys started shouting name of Rohit and fortunately Rohit entered same time and people laughed on him. I was watching Ritika’s face all these time, totally disgusted expressions. Whole class started talking about Neeta and Rohit and some boys started interrogating Rohit directly. When this entire scene was happening I was quietly hiding my face inside my book pretending that I don’t care them I am here for studying.

Now the things were on for two days where people started linking neeta and rohit and I began to go and talk to ritika for any silly reason before rohit so that he can see me. It is easy to create misunderstandings now rohit will feel that ritika is fighting with him because of me and ritika will fight with him asking several questions about neeta typical female tendency and that’s where my job gets done.

 After few days I got a call from RItika the girl who never cared for me, who never replied ever to my texts, I was dying to talk to her but she never cared I loved her like anything but she even didn’t notice that’s the irony of my life people remember me only when they need me.

Ritika: Hi

Aman: Hi, How are you? How come you called me?

Ritika: Casually, cant I call my friend without any reason.

Aman: Ofcourse you can

 (I knew she has a specific purpose of calling me, after 2-3 min of casual chit-chat)

Ritika: Rohit and neeta story is true of what? it is hitting popularity these days.

Aman: Yes I also heard about them, somebody told me they caught them kissing in parking lot of tutorials.

Ritika: Ohh what a shame

Aman: Good for them, what we have to do with it?

Ritika: Yes I agree. Hey aman can I tell you one secret thing, you are such a good friend of mine and I trust you a lot therefore I want to share with you only

Aman: Tell me I won’t tell anybody

Ritika: This guy Rohit was hitting on me, even I accepted his proposal believing he is nice guy but he is another jerk.

Aman: That’s terrible, why didn’t you ask me about it earlier, everybody knows how crap rohit is.

Ritika: It was my mistake, I felt that he loves me but….

And she started weeping on phone, even though she was only crying but I was feeling the same amount of pain as she was. I never wanted to make her cry, even I can’t see her in pain. I started feeling guilty for my act it was not the thing I wanted to achieve. People say best opportunity to get hooked up with somebody is when he/she is just breakoff and they need support. But I was feeling guilty of doing everything and was feeling that I do not deserve Ritika, manipulator like me doesn’t deserve simple girl with her clean heart.

The damage I did was incurable and I had no courage of accepting it and apologizing.

After sometime Ritika found some other guy this time also my heart has same amount of pain but I know I deserve this pain as punishment to my wickedness.

The thing I wanted to say and will never be able to say to Ritika, Rohit and Neeta is “I am sorry, I am wicked”